WEEK 3
WEEK 3 -- sorry, lots of whining and no pictures. ---
MONDAY
hmmm... big snails on the ground. Big, big moth in the stairwell. The simple things are kind of exciting.
Library has these cool glass closets that you are supposed to go in to talk on your mobile... chat shack or something.
I have to actually do a presentation of a case to the radiologists tomorrow. I hope they can understand me, or more important that I don't have to say "what?" a million times when they ask me questions.

TUESDAY: Presentation was pathetic as expected. I sort of blurted out some confused beginning to the story, saw that no one was really following, looked sheepishly at the professor who proceeded to take over the whole thing while I slunk back into my chair full of the jitters. Why, I ask myself, did I choose to a career to torture myself? I've always been shy and flustered like that, but I was pretty happy to do work behind the scenes quietly. I don't really think it's bad to be like that, so why do I try to force myself to be someone I'm not? Who knows? Questions for therapy, if I ever make it there.

WEDNESDAY: Went to see Boeing Boeing. Funny, I guess. Very Singaporean play about a guy dating three different flight stewardesses at once. Sort of typical play on gender stereotypes. In the fashion that I've adopted recently, I let myself be dumb and easily amused, and so I heard myself laughing out-loud a lot. I guess that's good. I couldn't help but notice all the hot couples that were there, and how I wasn't one of them. I couldn't help buy feel like I was dressed all wrong and must look like an idiot. Tiring. We went out for coffee afterwards. Even though I think Tracy and Kelly are cool, I can't help but feel like I must be boring them so much. I feel bad that they are going through so much effort to take me around.

THURSDAY: Nothing worth mentioning. Slept a lot because I felt sick in the gut.

FRIDAY Walked around Orchard St, played pool, went to McCafe. Really wanted to drink, but couldn't get anyone else into that idea. Felt out-of-body. Who is this person? Why is he so boring? Everytime I meet someone now, I seem to be reflexively lying about my profession. Basically, I sort of fail to mention that I'm still a student, and just say that I'm starting a new job in July... as if I had been working as a doctor for a while. I guess I'm embarrassed or something about being so old and still jobless. Worse that I don't even have any interest in what I'm going to be doing. And, I try to avoid mentioning that I'm in Emergency Medicine unless directly asked because every time I say so, I get these looks and people ask, "why didn't you specialize in something??" As if I'd chosen some job way beneath me. I assume that reflects the position of emergency medicine here in Singapore, and I try to explain how it is a specialty in the US and a competitive one at that. I also think to myself that what this really means is that for someone with some interest in an EM career there is a great opportunity here to come and develop EM as a academic and clinical specialty here in Singapore. Not for me, I don't feel at all motiveted to pursue that.

SATURDAY: Such a beatiful sunny day outside today. It really makes me upset that it's completely wasted on account of my continuing to be terribly depressed or phobic or whatever it is that's wrong with me. There's so many thing that I know should be fun to do, but I just can't. And even if I were able to force myself to, I still couldn't feel the enjoyment. There's just so much pain in my head. I got up and looked at my list of things to do, some work stuff, some basic errands, some fun things. I decided I should really try harder to have fun, so I told myself, okay, I'm going windsurfing and nothing's going to stop me. It took me like 2 hours just to figure out what to bring with me and reassure myself that I could go out in public with a bandaid on my big toe that's missing a nail. On the train I kept thinking about how I would have to talk to someone in order to rent the windsurfer and it might come out that I don't really know how to do it well. I kept thinking about how as I walk into the water, everyone will be looking at me and I have to look like I know what I'm doing. I kept thinking about how I might get all the way out there in the water and realize that I still wasn't having fun, that I still was depressed. The train arrived at City Hall station (only about halfway to the beach stop) and I got off suddenly. I wandered into Raffles City shopping center thinking maybe I better try to find something to more appropriate than my jeans and t-shirt to wear for going out for drinks later. Or, maybe buy some more appropriate shirts for the hospital. But, why am I not still going to the beach, is it too late?? The shopping center was exactly like all the other ones and full of people who knew why they were there and were able to buy something. As I wandered around the stores, touching random shirts, but trying nothing, feeling sure about nothing, I really just wanted to roll over and die. I know by now that something as simple as buying a piece of clothing is totally impossible for me, so why was I hear torturing myself? I wandered back to the train station. I hadn't really decided whether I was retreating home or going to press on to the beach. But, this "helpful" station attendant started towards me to instruct the white guy on how to use a subway, so I put on my efficient face and walked decisively into the train going homeward. So, now I'm back, exactly 5 hours after I set out, having done absolutely nothing today except hold back tears of anxiety in public. I felt such a wave of relief to enter my room and shut the door. It makes me so sick to be like that. There's so much stuff I want to do, and I'm all the way on the other side of the planet on a trip that so many people would be envious of. Ugh! Anyway, all I want is for that pain in my brain to go away, so I think I'll go try to sleep now. What else can I do? Really, what can I do? Drugs? Alcohol? The thought of drinking a beer before leaving the house in the morning of course sounds like a recipe for self-harm, but could it really be much worse than the way my day went today? Maybe I'll try that tomorrow and see if it helps. I think more brain cells die from my sitting at home like this. Sometimes, I think what I really need is a nice girl who wants to do the same things as me and can hold my hand and reassure me. But, what girl wants that job? Especially when confidence and outgoing guys are easy to find... Now, liquor, that you can buy in a store. If you could hire a life coach to follow you around and cheer or jeer you onward, then hey, I'd be interested in that too. But, you can't.

****
addendum at 12:30 am: After the nap, went running in Kent Ridge Park for the first time. It was pretty awesome, both because of the great view of the west side harbors and because there is this intense militant workout course in the park that makes our VitaCourse things seem pretty wimpy. I only did about 5 of the 15 workout stations and was pretty beaten. I will have to go back for the ones where you swing from ropes or life heavy logs over your head. None of this "hold onto the pole for balance and stand on your toes for 10 seconds - if you feel pain at any time, stop and consult your doctor" kind of nonsense. That put me in a better mood, but I still had to flee because the Dengue-bearing mosquitos were after me like drill sergents.

Later, we went to a very cool "Bali" restaurant/bar nearby for drinks. The drink or two worked as expected and I felt about as comfortable and relaxed and happy as I have yet on this trip. Very nice. I wish I had brought my camera to take pictures of that place.

SUNDAY: Wandered around Clementi, a sort of cheap little area not worth mentioning really. Ate and went to see a movie I'd already seen before because that's where the air conditioning was. Movie is "House of Fury." Really pretty funny. Stars "the Twins."